(This is a blog I did last year.  Thought it was worth repeating today.)

Tell them THE TRUTH.  Sound cruel?  It’s actually quite the opposite.  It’s the kindest thing you can do for them, for your relationship, and for yourself.  If your sex life is great, tell them how much it means to you and how appreciative you are to have such a rewarding physical relationship.   But … if it’s not so great and you’re unhappy about it,  tell them - in an kind , honest and supportive way.  Don’t waste another day avoiding the truth about such an important part of your lives.  So many of us are afraid to be honest with our partners for fear that they’ll get mad, hurt etc.  But the more you bottle up your feelings, the more you are hurting them in the long run.  You lay your relationship open to infidelity if you’re not completely happy with your sex life. So,  if you really love and care about your partner, be brave enough to tell them the truth.

An honest conversation doesn’t have to be a hurtful conversation.  It can be a chance for the two of you to grow more emotionally connected.  So don’t say something like “I really wish you were more interested in sex”  or “Or, why don’t you pay attention to me anymore?”  That’s only going to back them into a corner and make them feel attacked.

Continue reading “The Best Valentine’s Day Present You Can Give Today? Telling Your Spouse How You Really Feel About Your Sex Life” »

roommate syndrome e · Sex · Valentine's Day

This is one of the big questions many of us ask ourselves: Are we compatible with our partners?  There are, of course, varying degrees of compatibility that are important.  First, and I believe deeply important, is moral compatibility.  These differences do need to be talked about and worked out. Because these are issues that sometimes cannot be lived with when it comes to a long-term partner.  Talk it out. Find out what your partner”s true moral code is, and then know yourself well enough to know whether you two “work” as a team. Even if you get along great, this can eventually be a deal breaker.  I like to call it: Moral Equivalency.  If you don’t have it, there will be trouble ahead.  So yes, talk about those differences – argue about it even! This is one area that real heart-felt communication is key.  But let’s also talk about some areas of incompatibility that may or may not be deal breakers: Continue reading “Compatibility…what’s important and what’s not.” »

being joined at the hip · compatibility · differences causing resentment · moral compatibility · moral equivalency

I was driving in Los Angeles the other day and I saw a billboard that had this statement on it.  It was advertising a new sitcom, not a self-help book, and even though it’s a very clever, funny comment on marriage, I couldn’t help but think about it seriously for awhile.  Aren’t we all guilty of being a little too lax about our appearance once we’re in a relationship?  And not only does it make us look a little less sexy to our partner, it makes us look a little less sexy to ourselves too.  Think about it.  Before you can turn your partner on, you’ve got to turn yourself on, don’t you?  And that’s very hard to do when you’re wearing the same baggy old sweatpants that you’ve seen yourself in almost everyday the past year.

Some people have misinterpreted our book to think  that we’re asking women to wear makeup and high heels all day long.  And of course that’s not possible (even if you like high heels) – but what we do say is that sometimes it’s the little everyday things that can go a long way in  reviving, or killing, your sex life.  And getting rid of those baggy old sweatpants, that ratty old bathrobe, or that torn t-shirt  from 10 years ago every once in a while can seem like an insignificant thing, but trust me, it’s not.  You’re making an effort not just for your partner, but for yourself too.  Because if you don’t make an effort for yourself when you look in mirror, than what does that say to your partner? That’s he’s not worth it, right?  And before you know it, your relationship has dissolved into the oh-so-common Roommate Syndrome.

Continue reading “Half of All Marriages End in Sweatpants” »

roommate syndrome · Sex · Sexless Marriage · simple ways to revive your sex life · sweatpants

We all know that new love can be blind and new lovers can  be sometimes be delusional when looking at each other accurately, both physically and emotionally.   For example, newlyweds exaggerate their partner’s good qualities and sometimes forget about the bad ones, but some very interesting new research that I read about recently in the LA Times has shown that these kinds of happy delusions are actually very good in a long-term relationship – much better than looking at your spouse through a sober, super-accurate lens.  Why?  Well according to Garth Fletcher, psychology professor at Victoria University of Wellington , “Positive biases and happiness seem to push other along.”

A recent study in the May journal Psychological Science helps to show how a rose-tinted view can positively affect a relationship over the long-term.  Researchers followed 222 newlyweds over three years (long enough for marital boredom to set in) and they found that the couples who were most idealistic about their spouse were just as happy after three years as they were in the beginning. But the ones who looked at their spouse with a detailed-oriented more realistic view were not as happy.   Apparently, the effect of being super-positive about your spouse can be contagious – the more each spouse felt positive feelings coming from their mate, the more they actually tried to live up to those beliefs.

Continue reading “It’s actually good to look at your spouse through rose-tinted glasses. Here’s why….” »

being postive in a relationship · great sex · long-term relationship · married life

Just last week, I was thumbing through one of the gossip mags and looking at all the glamorous photos of stars at the Cannes Film Festival when my eyes stopped and stared at one photo in particular.  It was of George Clooney’s girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis (an Italian TV personality) in a black bikini standing on a yacht in a casual, yet sexy, pose.  In this photo, I must say she was one of the most beautiful women in the world – with a gorgeous face, slim hips, tawny skin….and one of the most perfect derrieres I had ever seen!  I even said to my boyfriend, “look at this photo of George Clooney’s girlfriend!  Doesn’t she have the most perfect behind you’ve ever seen in your life?”  Now my boyfriend and I usually don’t comment on other women’s bodies, but I just had to show him the photo.  He said, “God, yeah. She looks  better in a bikini  than Jessica Biel, Jennifer Anniston, or even Jennifer Lopez.  That Clooney has an amazing life.”

Or does he?  Even though he may always have a gorgeous girl on his arm, is he not susceptible to the same problems we all have with our sex lives and relationships?  And almost like clockwork,  in the next week’s magazines, they were reporting that Clooney and Canalis had just broken up because he reportedly said “the spark between them was gone.”   Even when you’re one of Hollywood’s most handsome and successful actors and you have a stunning woman by your side, you can still suffer from the same loss of spark that all of us at sometime or another have felt with our mate.

Continue reading “George Clooney has split up again with a beautiful girlfriend! Sometimes, beauty isn’t everything…” »

break-up of Clooney and Canalis · Elisabetta Canalis · George Clooney · keeping your sex life exciting · sex life · sexual boredom